That startled an involuntary snort out of her. "Yeah," she acknowledged,
"I'm no good at being a victim either. I had to play nice once. Not in
court, nah but when I was hired at Grissom. The bigwigs wanted me to stand
there and tell them I'd play nice in their sandbox and I'd be a good girl
from now on. And that sucked too and I sure as fuck didn't want to but I
did it. I even meant it, so far as it went. My skin crawled the whole
fucking time and I wanted to go for their throats but.. but not doing that,
by playing the fucking bullshit game, it meant I got the chance to be
somethin' different. My entire fucking galaxy knows who I am and what I
done, every single bad fuckin' thing I ever done and a shitload more I
never done but I'm fine havin' 'em think I done. But they were willing to
give me a chance to fight for this, you know? To prove I could be somethin'
other than a criminal. To be a teacher. It meant a different future, maybe.
It was a chance, anyway, so I swallowed all the shit I had to swallow and I
played nice. And it sucked, but I did it. Not for me, you know? I don't
care I'm a criminal. That never fucking mattered and it still sure as fuck
don't. But I got this fucking do-gooder crew and they all think I can be
different. Grissom sure as fuck didn't offer me the job based on my
fucking merit. They did it because my fucking Commander asked. Cuz he
thought, if maybe someone gave me a fucking chance to change that I could
do it."
She was silent for a second and then shook her head, "Not the same bullshit
as you're going through. Easier by far. It's easier if you look at the
after, though. This fucker needs to go to jail, Sparkle. He needs to be
kept away from other kids so he doesn't do this to anyone else. You, and
every other kid he fucked with before you - cuz there's never, ever only
one - deserves some sort of goddamn justice for it. So you knuckle up and
you get ready to take it in the teeth for awhile. And you buckle all that
shit down and you get ready to eat whatever shit you need to eat for this
and you keep your eyes on after. You keep your eyes on why. What you're
doing takes this fucking monster off the streets, and you do whatever you
gotta do to make that happen. It helps you later, good. That's a good thing
and getting the blame shoved down this fucker's throat is another kind of
justice. So you keep your eyes on the after. You'll get through this. It's
gonna suck. You're gonna hate it. You already know that. But this asshole
deserves to be in jail and you deserve to be free of him, so you're gonna
fucking do this."
Hi, welcome to positive affirmations, Jack style. "You want me to go with?
Or is this some shit you don't want anyone you know to listen to? I already
promised not to kill this motherfucker and I won't. That don't mean I'm
happy at the idea he could get within arm's reach of you in a courthouse.
I'd kinda like to be there to put him through a fucking wall if he tries."
no subject
That startled an involuntary snort out of her. "Yeah," she acknowledged, "I'm no good at being a victim either. I had to play nice once. Not in court, nah but when I was hired at Grissom. The bigwigs wanted me to stand there and tell them I'd play nice in their sandbox and I'd be a good girl from now on. And that sucked too and I sure as fuck didn't want to but I did it. I even meant it, so far as it went. My skin crawled the whole fucking time and I wanted to go for their throats but.. but not doing that, by playing the fucking bullshit game, it meant I got the chance to be somethin' different. My entire fucking galaxy knows who I am and what I done, every single bad fuckin' thing I ever done and a shitload more I never done but I'm fine havin' 'em think I done. But they were willing to give me a chance to fight for this, you know? To prove I could be somethin' other than a criminal. To be a teacher. It meant a different future, maybe. It was a chance, anyway, so I swallowed all the shit I had to swallow and I played nice. And it sucked, but I did it. Not for me, you know? I don't care I'm a criminal. That never fucking mattered and it still sure as fuck don't. But I got this fucking do-gooder crew and they all think I can be different. Grissom sure as fuck didn't offer me the job based on my fucking merit. They did it because my fucking Commander asked. Cuz he thought, if maybe someone gave me a fucking chance to change that I could do it."
She was silent for a second and then shook her head, "Not the same bullshit as you're going through. Easier by far. It's easier if you look at the after, though. This fucker needs to go to jail, Sparkle. He needs to be kept away from other kids so he doesn't do this to anyone else. You, and every other kid he fucked with before you - cuz there's never, ever only one - deserves some sort of goddamn justice for it. So you knuckle up and you get ready to take it in the teeth for awhile. And you buckle all that shit down and you get ready to eat whatever shit you need to eat for this and you keep your eyes on after. You keep your eyes on why. What you're doing takes this fucking monster off the streets, and you do whatever you gotta do to make that happen. It helps you later, good. That's a good thing and getting the blame shoved down this fucker's throat is another kind of justice. So you keep your eyes on the after. You'll get through this. It's gonna suck. You're gonna hate it. You already know that. But this asshole deserves to be in jail and you deserve to be free of him, so you're gonna fucking do this."
Hi, welcome to positive affirmations, Jack style. "You want me to go with? Or is this some shit you don't want anyone you know to listen to? I already promised not to kill this motherfucker and I won't. That don't mean I'm happy at the idea he could get within arm's reach of you in a courthouse. I'd kinda like to be there to put him through a fucking wall if he tries."