myownface | MCA #4, Saturday Morning

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MCA #4, Saturday Morning

Deep breath. Exhale.

...

Deep breath.

...

Exhale.

Dial.

Deep breath.

And hit send.

Sparkle had a call to make today. One he'd been putting off since forever, and his last excuse had run out. The island was back to normal. He didn't have to worry about The Big Stuff being completely derailed because he woke up one morning underwater or he couldn't leave the house because there were dinosaurs or on account of nightmarish penance zombies. Dr. Lecter had given him the number to phone, and yeah, he knew it was Saturday and yeah he knew it was early, but he was kind of hoping he could just leave a message and wait for a phone call back on... Tuesday. Because long weekend! See? Smart. Sparkle was super smart. It wasn't procrastinating if there was Labour Day to contend with.

Somebody actually answered the phone.

"Um."

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

"Hi, uh. My name is Sparkle," and ugh, he felt like he wanted to vomit just spitting out his last name, too, but he kind of had to in this case. "Dr. Lecter suggested I call you. Yeah. Dr. Hannibal Lecter. He said you're probably the best lawyer for... a couple of cases I have, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, I can talk right now, sure. So..."

It was not a short phone call.

Dr. Lecter had picked a good lawyer for the job, for sure.

But by the time Sparkle had hung up the phone again, he was looking a little green. That was fine. This was fine. It was all going to go super well, and...

If anybody needed him, he was going to just be burying his face in a pillow and screaming himself hoarse.

Sparkle Vs. The Criminal Justice System was off to an excellent start.

[OOC: Open! Probably not happy! But open! TW: Both threads contain some talk of child abuse/grooming.]

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Sparkle's shoulders bunched up a little.

And he stared at the olives.

Fucking olive jar.

"He was my legal guardian at the time."

Jack made a fist and the lid of the olive jar popped and went spinning right off it like a top to land halfway across the kitchen.

"Okay," she said slowly, "And you burned his fucking house down without him in it." Because Sparkle wouldn't have burned it down with him in it and had just used the word 'vacant' so, yeah. "Asshole got a name?"

No reason.

Mostly because she wanted to ask what he'd done and that was possibly not a question Sparkle was entirely ready to answer. Not with that closed off beaten dog body posture he was giving off.

"He sure does," Sparkle agreed. "Most assholes have names."

He watched the lid fly away and just kind of stared after it for a moment.

... It was even odds he was either withholding that name because he didn't want Jack to go hunt Lewis down, or he was actually just that out of it thinking about having to face the man again.

Jack took a drink and stood there watching him. Giving him a chance to eat some olives, maybe.

She didn't need Sparkle to give her the asshole's name. Toronto. Sparkle's legal guardian. Arson. She could find that name without even pulling EDI into it.

"Is this a thing you want me to shut the fuck up about? Because the next question's 'what did the asshole do' and you know it," she pointed out as gently as Jack ever could manage.

Sparkle opened his mouth for a moment. Tempted to take the out.

So fucking tempted to take the out.

"... You'll want to kill him," he said, because he knew it. He knew she would, if other people had offered before, so would she. "And I need you to not. I need to do this, okay?"

Jack ran a hand over her scalp. "Sparkle, you've looked like a fucked up mess for weeks now. Every brief time I've seen you. You have this look, and it's a look I know because I used to see it in the goddamn mirror when I was a kid, and I hate that fucking look and seeing it on you makes me already want to kill everything around you just in case any of that shit is what's causing it."

She took a long drink. A very long drink and then poured another. "But I won't. I can't do that because I know that even if I did, even if I dropped the body of whoever or whatever was scaring you pissless, it wouldn't help you. You'd feel bad. You'd feel like you did it and it would hurt you. I get that. I don't like it and I think it's stupid as fuck that you'd take that on, the blame for something I did but.. you would and there's nothing in the galaxy I could do to stop you from taking that blame."

Another slug of whiskey and she added quietly, "And you're telling me this is legal shit, which means killing him probably makes it worse because then the fucker can't show up in court and maybe that makes whatever you're doing more difficult. So okay. I'm gonna want to kill him, and I already know you don't want me killing anyone for you. So okay. I won't kill the son of a bitch. If nobody who loves you has done it yet, then I'm at the end of that line already anyway. So okay. No killing him."

"Okay," Sparkle said, still just kinda... standing there holding the olive jar. Hadn't occurred to him that he could actually dig out an olive, now. "Okay."

...

"Okay."

Words, Sparkle.

"... He. Um."

Wow. This was going great for him. He pulled in a long, shaking breath. Tried to find a way to put it that didn't make him feel two inches tall. Failed horribly.

Swallowed.

"Hernando called it 'grooming.'"

So.

Jack's face went expressionless. She knew what that term meant, yes. Even before she'd come to Fandom, she'd been a teacher and there were classes she'd had to take to teach her what things to look for in her kids, signs that things at home were bad. The students were biotics, an unstable home situation lead to an unstable biotic and there were steps Grissom could take if they knew so they taught their teachers what to look for.

She knew what grooming meant.

"How long?" she asked after a moment.

"Four years."

That kind of fell out of Sparkle's mouth like the words were made of lead.

He shrugged and stared at the olives.

"With some Fandom time in there too but..."

Four years.

Four years could feel like a lifetime. She knew. She'd been five when she got out of Teltin. She'd been nine when she'd escaped he slave pit. Thirteen when she was arrested for the first time. Four years could feel like an eternity in hell.

"It's not your fault," she said, looking at him soberly over the rim of her glass, "You know that, right? He was an adult and you weren't and there's nothing you fucking did that made it your fault what he did. He was an adult and he knew better than to look at a kid like that. Ever. Even if you didn't feel like a kid you still were one, and there's no excuse in the world for him lookin' at a kid like that. None. It wasn't your fault. If it had been some other kid, you wouldn't blame them and so you need to listen to me, Sparkle. It wasn't your fault."

Because she knew that feeling, too.

Sparkle nodded. It was a little numb, a little distant, but it was a nod. He knew. He knew logically speaking that it wasn't his fault, but it still made his guts twist. Still made him angry and humiliated and terrified that he'd fuck up everything with the people who loved him now, not because he was an easy target but because he was Sparkle.

"That's why I was talking to a lawyer," he mumbled. "About the arson charges and about taking him to task for... it all."

Jack nodded slowly. "How bad did it get, Sparkle? Bad enough you burned his fucking house down, but not bad enough you pressed charges on this asshole before so.. How bad?"

"In his own words?" Sparkle spread his free hand, the one not holding the olives, and took on an open, just slightly-too-smooth expression and did a Lewis impression that was just spot-on enough to make his own blood curdle a bit. "It was an - unconsummated - love affair. With his ward, Sparkle, here."

His hand dropped and his shoulders slumped.

"Oh, but he felt horrible about it. Monstrous. Really. So bad that he confessed to it in a public hearing."

A muscle in her cheek twitched but that was the only physical sign that Jack had even heard him. She had and she listened to the way of the words, not Sparkle talking right there but how this fucker had said those words. Could hear the self-righteousness in them, the martyrism, the narcissism. The tone of a sociopath. She'd heard it before. So many times, so many people she'd put in the ground for it, just for that fucking tone of 'it's not my fault' voice. She slowly took a drink.

"Monstrous. Apt. He should feel monstrous, because if he was your guardian and he fucked with your brain to make you think you were in love with him or that you should love him in any way other than a goddamn parental figure, that makes him a fucking monster. That's not on you either, Sparkle. He was your guardian. And he shouldn't have fucking done that."

Another drink. "The worst part about monsters like that is that they don't believe they're monsters. They never believe it. Even when you show them."

She replayed the words in her head again. "Groomed you for four years. Then publicly stated he felt terrible about it and it was monstrous. After leading you goddamn into it. Said that in public, at a hearing, with you there and using your name." Slow nod. "So it wasn't fucking you he was after. Not with a game like that. He wanted to make you hate yourself. Make you want something, make you think it was everything you wanted, and then make you feel like garbage for it. That's.. pretty fucking sick, Sparkle. That's a sick fucking mind that'd do that to a kid. Twist them up like that."

"He wouldn't even look at me after he said that," Sparkle said, quietly. Still holding those fucking olives. "He said that, 'love affair,' and then he lost us the house and I had fucking nothing left there and he walked away."

And that was where Sparkle had started to actually get angry about it.

"Wouldn't even look at me."

Jack calmly took the olives away and set them on the counter. Because Sparkle was getting hugged. It was that or punch a wall and she didn't think the display of violence would help him any right now. "Of course he didn't look at you," she said far too calmly, "That would have given you the chance to glare at him or say something to his face. He'd have seen something that didn't reflect the 'oh poor me but no I'm a good guy really' bullshit he was trying to fertilize that hearing with."

Beat.

"Grade-A weaponized bullshit, that man."

"Yeah, well..." Sparkle was pressing his face into Jack's shoulder, because it was a shoulder and it was right there and he was going to hug on for dear life. "I mean, I guess that's why my lawyer wants me to tackle Lew first. So I have a case for burning the place down and then skipping out on bail."

And Sparkle kinda wanted to put that one off as long as possible. But apparently that wasn't in the cards.

"Makes sense, yeah," Jack said with a nod, "No wonder you're a fucking mess." She held him and looked at the far wall for a minute. "So you don't want that body dropped. Also makes sense. If he's dead he can't sit there in court and hear a lawyer call him a babyfucker to his face. Which the lawyer's gonna do if the lawyer's any good. Your lawyer's gonna make it sound as ugly as he can make it sound to make sure that asshole gets every single fucking day in prison he can snatch for you. But you're gonna have to be there too and you're going to have to listen to your fucking life talked about like that, and that shit sucks."

She didn't have a better word for it than 'sucks' but she put so much loathing into that word that the meaning was probably clear. "Alright. So .. What can I do to help you, Sparkle? Cuz.. I mean.. Ideas that aren't my usual one, I'm not so good at, but you're my friend and I'd like to help if you'll let me."

It sucked. Fuck, did it ever suck, and Sparkle was clinging and nodding and didn't know. Didn't know what would make this better, because right now it felt a bit like he was drowning and he just wanted that to go away and it wasn't going to. Not for a long while.

"Dunno," he mumbled. "Dunno what I need right now, Jack. Wasn't ready for this and I need to be, you know? I need to be ready for fucking war, and I'm not any good at being a fucking victim but I'm gonna have to be. I can't afford not to be. And I just..."

He just.

This hurt.

He hadn't even started yet, and this hurt.

That startled an involuntary snort out of her. "Yeah," she acknowledged, "I'm no good at being a victim either. I had to play nice once. Not in court, nah but when I was hired at Grissom. The bigwigs wanted me to stand there and tell them I'd play nice in their sandbox and I'd be a good girl from now on. And that sucked too and I sure as fuck didn't want to but I did it. I even meant it, so far as it went. My skin crawled the whole fucking time and I wanted to go for their throats but.. but not doing that, by playing the fucking bullshit game, it meant I got the chance to be somethin' different. My entire fucking galaxy knows who I am and what I done, every single bad fuckin' thing I ever done and a shitload more I never done but I'm fine havin' 'em think I done. But they were willing to give me a chance to fight for this, you know? To prove I could be somethin' other than a criminal. To be a teacher. It meant a different future, maybe. It was a chance, anyway, so I swallowed all the shit I had to swallow and I played nice. And it sucked, but I did it. Not for me, you know? I don't care I'm a criminal. That never fucking mattered and it still sure as fuck don't. But I got this fucking do-gooder crew and they all think I can be different. Grissom sure as fuck didn't offer me the job based on my fucking merit. They did it because my fucking Commander asked. Cuz he thought, if maybe someone gave me a fucking chance to change that I could do it."

She was silent for a second and then shook her head, "Not the same bullshit as you're going through. Easier by far. It's easier if you look at the after, though. This fucker needs to go to jail, Sparkle. He needs to be kept away from other kids so he doesn't do this to anyone else. You, and every other kid he fucked with before you - cuz there's never, ever only one - deserves some sort of goddamn justice for it. So you knuckle up and you get ready to take it in the teeth for awhile. And you buckle all that shit down and you get ready to eat whatever shit you need to eat for this and you keep your eyes on after. You keep your eyes on why. What you're doing takes this fucking monster off the streets, and you do whatever you gotta do to make that happen. It helps you later, good. That's a good thing and getting the blame shoved down this fucker's throat is another kind of justice. So you keep your eyes on the after. You'll get through this. It's gonna suck. You're gonna hate it. You already know that. But this asshole deserves to be in jail and you deserve to be free of him, so you're gonna fucking do this."

Hi, welcome to positive affirmations, Jack style. "You want me to go with? Or is this some shit you don't want anyone you know to listen to? I already promised not to kill this motherfucker and I won't. That don't mean I'm happy at the idea he could get within arm's reach of you in a courthouse. I'd kinda like to be there to put him through a fucking wall if he tries."

Sparkle just kind of managed to squid his way around Jack even more while she spoke, because there was a lot there, a lot that grabbed him right by the fucking heart, and it was that or start crying and right now he couldn't. Didn't have 'crying' in him, felt almost ashamed of just how close he was dancing to it anyway.

"... Please?" He hadn't even really been aware he was going to talk, but when she made the offer... "Please? Fuck, please? I mean he can't get close he can't touch me he can't but I just... I mean. You get it, right? Like, the ugly shit that's gonna get said you're gonna hear it I'm gonna have to get up there and say it and you get it, right? That I'm still Sparkle."

Because right then, right that very moment, he wasn't feeling very Sparkle.

Jack let him wind himself around her and found new ways to hold him so he could. "Nobody's going to let him touch you," she promised, "He so much as tries to talk to you in a hall and I'm gonna scream so loud his fucking eardrums bleed just so you don't have to hear his fucking voice when it ain't necessary."

She shook her head, "I get it. That ain't you. That's a picture of you the lawyer's gotta make to put this asshole in jail. It's shit that happened to you. You aren't the sum of your fucking shit, Sparkle. You're who you are because of how you came through it. Because you didn't let the shit stick to you, and you can't let it stick to you now. Don't matter what I hear, don't matter what you say, hell - don't even matter what happened to you back then. Not now, anyway, because that shit is all old news. It's over. I know who you are, man. And you ain't gonna be a different person when this is over. Not to me, not to fucking anyone who knows you now. That ain't how it works, Sparkle. I'll be there. I'll be in the courtroom with you every fucking day you're there. I know who you are so when you're up there and you have to say all that shit again, have to answer questions and that asshole's lawyer's trying to trip you up and make you look bad, I'll be there and you can look over and see me. I'll be angry for you. You can't be angry when you're up there. You can't fly off the handle or yell or be anything other than rational, so I'll be there and I'll be the angry for you. Cuz we both know I'm gonna be fucking furious when I hear this shit. But it ain't gonna change anything so far's you're concerned. I'm not going to think anything different. You're my friend. This whole fucking thing sucks. I'm already angry you had to live through shit like that, but that's no different than I felt about it since the first fucking moment I met you." Jack shrugged, "You're the same you that you've been, buddy. That ain't gonna change."

Edited 2019-09-01 06:29 (UTC)

"It's not gonna change," Sparkle agreed. Clung on a little bit harder. "I'm gonna still be Sparkle on the other end, I might just be... I dunno. A little more fucked-up. This is gonna fuck me up, Jack, no matter what happens. It's gonna fuck me up and I'm gonna hate it."

A short pause.

A deep breath.

"But at least it'll be over."

And even if they lost, even if they fought and fought and fought and Sparkle wound up with a prison sentence instead of community service, even if somehow, Lew managed to get an 'innocent' even in spite of standing up in front of the whole damn city and announcing their fucked up... thing...

Even if?

There were options. Not the options he wanted, not even necessarily the options that would let him sleep at night, but options.

"It's gonna suck, but at least it'll be over."

Jack snorted again. "Sparkle? How's 'you but a little more fucked up' any goddamn different from how you might be any given week in this fucking place? Really now. Sparkle, you get through fucked-up shit here even though you know come Monday it's all gonna be over. This is just one more fucked-up thing you gotta get through, only it's gonna take a lot longer than a weekend. This one, though, this one's real. When you put paid to this bullshit, it ain't gonna come back at you a year later. That's a good thing, I think."

"It's a good thing," Sparkle agreed quietly. "It's a more personal thing. I dunno, it's one thing when Fandom is like, here, have a onesie and jump on turtles for a week. That's everyone's shit."

He shrugged.

"This is my shit. It's my shit and when this is done I get to do it all over again and they're gonna try to rake me across the coals and that's all gonna be my shit, and if it doesn't work and it doesn't go away then I have to live with that, too. It's easy to get through fucked-up shit waiting for Monday, you know? I don't get a Monday with this. Not like that."

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